A Year and a Half Postpartum

 There are so many posts that I started to say over the past year, but it is either still in my drafts or I have erased them....maybe this one will past the test and make it to publish...

A year and a half postpartum...that's so hard to believe. My daughter will be 18 months old soon. 

So, how am I feeling?

Oh, to be honest, not great. This past year and a half has been one of the hardest years of my life...let's be honest, it's been hard since October 2018. 

I have been through breastfeeding, attempting to help my husband remodel a house, a pandemic, work being all up in the air about so much, my husband being in a serious motorcycle accident, some stuff going on with my health, weight gain...To be honest, I feel like there is so much more that I can't even think about right now. 

How is all of this making me feel though?

Horrible. I feel horrible. I did yoga outside for the first time in years...also for the first time in a very long time, I smiled a real smile. I can't remember the last time I smiled a real smile. I got finished and I felt free and happy. 

I literally cannot remember the last time I smiled a real, happy smile. I mean, I smile all of the time. Those that know me know that I'm usually laughing and smiling, and those smiles weren't fake smiles...usually...they were genuine, but this smile was so different. This smile was a smile of freedom.

Lately, I've been feeling so down on myself. I have felt like a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad sister, a bad employee, a bad daughter...just a disappointment in general. 

I've also felt ugly and fat. It has been months since I took a selfie of myself and loved it...I did take one the other day and today that I thought was pretty...but before then, it had been a while. 

My self-esteem has never been this low in my life! One thing that I promised myself that I would do for my child was to never let them see me this way, and I feel like that is exactly what is happening. I want to be able to teach her to be happy with herself and to be confident in herself. 

So what am I going to do about this?

Fuck if I know...I'm open to suggestions

XOXO, 

Kat